One woman I was dating called and said, Come on over, there s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
It s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won t drink from my glass.
In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn t met me yet.
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
I haven t spoken to my wife in years. I didn t want to interrupt her.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
My wife was afraid of the dark then she saw me naked and now she s afraid of the light.
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.